What helped me the most and saved my life.

A friend of ours set up a GoFundMe to help us pay for the funeral. The kids did not have insurance, so we were stressing about how we would afford it. We knew Shannon's family would be of no help. They thought a funeral was silly since no one would come anyway. They had agreed to a funeral as long as we paid for it. Clif and I discussed what we would do with any funds left over. We decided to donate it to MADD. We had both learned about MADD in school. They do great things, or so we thought. I quickly learned the truth.

Around 2 am on April 8, 2015, Clif was in his room with the door shut. I couldn't even go to my room. The last place I spent any time with Ruby was in my bed. I could sleep for maybe an hour and then wake myself up screaming. I went to the MADD website and saw that they had a 24-hour hotline to help people. I could talk to someone who knew what I was going through. I could tell them I had this overwhelming urge to be dead right then. I wouldn't be alone. They wouldn't say they couldn't imagine; I needed that person right now. So I quickly called the number. The person who answered the phone told me there was no one there for me to talk to right then. They would have someone call me back within 24 to 48 hours. Oh, okay, that will save me, alright. I hung up, deflated, and called the Crisis line. The sweet woman there talked to me for 3 hours. She was the rationale to the voice in my head. She kept me alive and gave me the best advice. For now, focus on why you need to stay alive. I have a funeral to plan for my babies. That is what I need to accomplish before anything else.

It was a week before we were able to have the funeral. It kept me busy as, for some reason, I was in charge. Cliff helped a lot. But the only person in Shannon's family was her so-called father. He was only interested in money and making sure he got fed after the funeral. The funeral was on April 13th. It was constantly on my mind. I felt like I talked to the funeral director every hour. But then it was over, and I was back to what now? I have to find a new focus. Madd did call me back. It was stupid; it took them over 73 hours to call me. But I was getting requests for money 6 or 7 times a day. My first step was to find a counselor I could talk to. It seems grief is not considered a reason to need counseling. Letting them know I was fighting an urge to commit suicide. Yet I am being told no over and over. If they have a counselor that helps with grief, I have to wait months for an appointment. Then I finally found a great place. I told them what I needed. The girl put me on hold and came back and told me I could come that day or tomorrow, take my pick. Come to find out, everyone there had been following our case and wanted to help me. And they sure did.

My talk with MADD had informed me that they wouldn't even talk to me until we had been through court and 2 years had gone by. Well, that helps. I need something I can do to stop this. I have to feel useful, or I will die. A friend sent me a message. Have you ever heard of Victims Impact Panel of, OK? She said I should reach out to a woman named Janella. She would help me. I went online immediately and saw they were like MADD but were only in Oklahoma. So I emailed them and said to myself, sit and wait again, I am sure. Less than an hour later I had an email. I was told I could go to a meeting and see what they do. I was told it might be hard for me since I would hear stories of offenders. But I knew this was what God wanted me to do. I needed to try. I attended my first panel in the first week of June.

I admit I was angry the entire time I was watching people walk in. A pregnant girl was there. It took every bit of strength I had not to yell at her. I knew they were court-ordered to be there because of a DUI. But there were so many! Then an older woman stood up and spoke.

She said that her daughter had been killed by a drunk driver. I remember thinking she must have adopted her late in life. She is too old to have lost her teenage daughter. She was too old to have a teen. But then she said something that jolted me to my core. It had been over 20 years ago. She is still alive, and it was over 20 years ago? How? I haven't even made it a month and I want to die. I talked to her and her husband after the panel was over. They were also following our case. She told me to stay strong, that I was now the voice for Jason, Shannon, and Ruby. I realize now, I still have their backs. This is what I need to focus on.

Janella was so good to me. I learned she created this wonderful organization in 1989 because she knew there was a need. I quickly came to admire her. I was told that I could attend all the panels I wanted to, and when she felt I could handle it, she would let me speak. But it might have to be after we were done with court; that was up to the DA. According to the DA, they would prefer I didn't, as I could hurt our case. But they gave me rules. I could not say the name of the drunk driver. I had to refer to him as the "alleged drunk driver." I could not give any details of the crash. Okay, I guess I will wait until we are done with court. Plus Janella doesn't seem like she thinks I am ready anyway.

In mid-July of 2015, I decided I wanted to attend what I was sure would be a small panel. It was in a very small rural city just outside of Oklahoma City. I went and introduced myself to the coordinator. It was a Saturday afternoon, and it was a small group compared to those I had already attended. The coordinator asked me if it was possible I could speak. She explained that two of her speakers had bailed on her that morning, and she wasn't sure the one there could make an impact. I told her no, Janella hadn't cleared me to speak yet. Then I thought for a minute. I told her I didn't want to because of legal reasons and fear, basically. But if this guy doesn't have an impact, I will try. But only if you think you need me. I then prayed she wouldn't. I sat and listened to him speak. I learned his was the story of an offender. He had a one-car crash and lost use of one arm. He was a lawyer. But I wasn't sure he was doing the job. Then the coordinator asked again, do you think you can speak? I told her, me, no. But I think God and my kids can do this.

I stood and told the story as best I could. I was very careful to only say alleged. I gave nothing that people could have gotten from the news. It felt like every muscle in my body was shaking. I was so scared. When I sat down, I asked the attorney if I had said anything that might have damaged our case. He said, "No, you did great at saying it all right."

But I did have a new fear. I had spoken without Janella telling me it was okay. I just knew she would be so mad at me, and I had probably ruined any chance I had at speaking again. Now is the time.

I was home alone as Clif had gone back to security work. It was Sunday night and I was sure I had nothing now. Janella won't forgive me for this. I began to count the pills I had. There were sleeping pills, Xanax, and 3 different types of blood pressure meds. I was looking online to see if they would do the job. But a voice said, wait, sleep on it first. Wait and see what tomorrow brings. I put the pills away and went to bed. I slept through the night, which is very unusual at that time. I woke up Monday morning to my phone ringing. I didn't recognize the number, but I answered it anyway. It was Janella.

I immediately apologized. I told her I had not meant to speak; it just happened. She quickly told me she was not mad. In fact, she had been told I had done a good job. She was grateful I had helped out and then asked me if I would speak for her on Thursday night.

Since that day, I have not had the urge to count pills again. I continue to speak. I even coordinate panels for VIP. Janella has been with me every step of the way. She was at every court date with us, supporting every crazy idea I have had to help me cope.

Janella has worked with me to help me perfect how to tell the story of Ruby. She has helped me grow in confidence and overcome so many things from my past that cause me issues. She has not only become a mentor to me, but one of the best friends anyone could ask for. I now speak at high schools, to special panels at businesses and places that aid with addiction treatment. I speak to law enforcement cadets. I have spoken at military bases to groups as large as 700 people.

I have heard that God will send an angel to guard and help you in times of trouble. I think Janella is my angel.