The Search for Answers Continues.

For a short time, seeing the car helped. I got a little sleep. I was functioning, but things still were nagging my thoughts. I continued to wake up at 4:15 every morning. It was always the same; I heard Ruby crying. Why was she crying? Was she scared? Was she in pain? I was letting her down! I had promised I would always protect her, and she was crying, and I did nothing. I was letting Jason and Shannon down. I had to do something, I had to find out the importance of 4:15. At the same time, I was dealing with Shannon's family. Clif and I were barely getting along. This had to stop, but how?

I talked to the police officers. Ruby had already been transported when they arrived. The fire station was only about 5 blocks from the crash site; it took only a minute or two for them to arrive. Witnesses to the crash had taken Ruby out of her car seat and had her on the side of the road. From what they told me, they scooped her up, and a very sweet young fireman ran with her to the ambulance and held her. At least she wasn't alone. So why the crying?

I was finally able to contact EMSA, our ambulance service, and requested to meet the crews that worked with Jason and Ruby. We know Shannon was not taken by an ambulance because she was killed on impact. I was a bit shocked when they called me back and told me we could not meet the workers that had taken care of Jason. The reason was simple: they had quit right after the crash. I admit I was disappointed but also confused by that. Both of them quit right away. But I talked to a woman whom I was learning to trust. She is the founder of VIP of Oklahoma and knowledgeable about everything DUI. She explained that this is common when a crash is so horrific.

It was so great meeting the two very sweet men who took care of Ruby in the ambulance. I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but when I saw them, all I could do was cry. They had tried to save my sweet girl. They did everything they could. And then talking to them, hearing what they said about it. They said they knew by the call over the radio that this was bad. I wasn't surprised by that. I had heard it from several officers I had met since that day. They said that Ruby was not crying. That they did not think she was feeling the pain. It felt good to thank them for what they did to help her. I felt good walking away. My answer finally.

Again, maybe a week and the crying at 4:15 was waking me up again. Why is that time so important? What am I missing.

The next step was one that many people thought was a mistake. But I had to do it. I should have started with it. I went to OU Medical Center and found the records department. I realized I wasn't going to be able to afford all the records, but maybe I could read them and see what the most important parts were to me. But God sent an angel to help me out. It turns out the clerk and I had worked together before. She had seen the news about the crash and saw me on the news. I received all the records and there was no charge.

I got home, locked myself in my room, and began reading. What I didn't understand, I looked up online. I started with Jason's. I learned he was brain dead. But because of a faint heartbeat, they had to do CPR on him for 50 minutes until he got to the hospital and was pronounced by a doctor. That was new and hopefully has me toughened up for Ruby's.

The file for Ruby was 3 times the size of Jason's. Much of the information was confusing, but I was finally able to make sense of it. Her injuries were far worse than I had known. Her liver had been cut in half. Her spleen had ruptured. The ambulance medic had to use the paddles on her heart twice to get her to the hospital alive. The hospital had rushed her straight to surgery. She had lost over half her blood supply already. From surgery she was taken to the pediatric intensive care. She was never alone from the moment she got to the hospital. They used the paddles 3 times trying to save her. But her injuries were way too survere. She had lost way too much blood before even getting there. And then I had the answer. Her actual time of death. It was at 4:18 am. She was telling me goodby. They nurses from the unit called me. I guess my friend had told them I was looking for answers.

The nurse assured me, Ruby never cried. She was unconscious and medicated for pain. They never left her in the room alone.

I have not woken up to Ruby crying at 4:15 since then.