Remorse
Definition: deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed.
I see remorse as this picture, total darkness with some light shining on it. For those that have remorse, and are working to make a positive from the negative, there is light in the darkness.
Having seen both a lack of remorse and extreme remorse I feel like I understand it, but I can’t really explain it. In our situation we deal with a lack of remorse. For us it is painful because it shows a lack of respect for our children that he murdered.
I have friends that are remorseful and I see the pain they endure. It is so real that you can almost feel it coming from them.
I hope that as you read these stories you understand, they are real, written by real people. They are sharing their stories with you in the hope that you never learn firsthand how it feels.
Ben
My name is Ben and I have been speaking for Victims Impact for a little over a year now. I lost a very dear friend of mine in October 2016 from a car wreck. He passed away from his injuries that were sustained from this car wreck in which alcohol was involved. I was the driver in this car wreck. We both had alcohol in our system, and while his blood alcohol level wasn't tested, mine was and was clearly over the legal limit.
In the days, weeks, months after the wreck I was forced to question the person I was and the decisions that I had made. I also wondered why I was the one that survived, what made me so lucky. There are many things that my friend and I used to do for fun that I'll never go do again because it reminds me of him. He was such a large part of my life for so long, that I see him in some of the things in my house, in songs on the radio, or just driving around town seeing places we used to go. I often wonder what we were doing that night, because I still don't remember.
My friend is the one who suffered the most. But it wasn't just him that was affected by this. My friends family, his girlfriend and her kids, my wife and our family, our mutual friends have all been affected by this. Events like this cast a ripple way further than we realize. Each person that we know has had to sit back and just watch as my wife and I dealt with the things that came next. The criminal charges, financial strain, the emotional stress, and even the uncertainty of the future. Even after his passing, my friends family has remained supportive and doesn't hold me to blame for this event. But I do. There were some bad decisions made that night that he and I made. We made those decisions together and they were clearly the wrong ones, we both knew better. While my friend has passed on, I live everyday knowing that I was apart of what caused all of this. I live each day knowing that something made me think that it was ok to drive after drinking. I have forced everyone around me to pay a price right along with me.
After an event like this, you are forever changed. You are the same but different. And while I was eager to try to get my life back to the way that it was, it will never be the way it used to be. Losing my friend has left a huge hole in my life and in it was replaced with remorse, guilt, regret, shame, and anger. After this happened, all I wanted to do is talk to my friend and tell him I'm sorry. I want so much to go back and have the chance to do that day over again. I'll never get that chance. I will never know if I did everything I could to avoid the wreck. I'll never get to tell him I love him.
Alex
My name is Alex as of 2019 I am 25 years old and I am a repeat offender from the year 2014-2016. I am an alcoholic constantly recovering and I have sat through court, very sad speeches, I have been fined, and I feel like my life has been a hamster wheel for half a decade but that doesn't guarantee remorse. In fact I was not actually remorseful for my actions until late 2015.
Now, years later, I talk to other offenders. I have spoken with the Victim's Impact Panel, I've been in the court room, and I've seen the same look I had when I sat on the other end of the table. For the longest time I said I was remorseful, I said I was sorry, but I look back and I know I wasn't. There is a difference between being frustrated or sorry about being in trouble after being caught and feeling remorse for your actions and the people it effected.
Now when I think about remorse when I am looking for remorse in other people I am looking for a plan. To be truly remorseful you must know what you did and have a replacement for your behaviors that will show you are not going to do it again. true remorse shows that you are getting better to not only yourself but other people as well. It is easy to convince ourselves we are getting better or we are on the right path, it is what our brains are designed to do. Remorse is not easy, having a plan is not easy, it's not supposed to be an escape from the pain of getting in trouble but a task that benefits you and everyone around you.
It took me longer than it should have to find remorse, to realize that I needed a real plan and I really needed to change. I was drinking every day, I couldn't afford basic needs because I was wasting money partying, my father was sick and I barely saw him in the hospital. Even after my first incident, or my second incident, I was sorry I got caught but I had no remorse and my life reflected that. Then one day something happened, I sat down at another Victim's Impact Panel for my third offense listening to people talk about other people I could have hurt or killed and I thought about my brother, I thought about my mom, and my dad. I thought about the people that I was hurting, not strangers, not something that could happen to them but something I myself was doing to hurt my family. I realized that even though I was safe and 'Just got caught' I was destroying my relationship with my family and I finally felt remorse.
It was at that moment that I knew what actual remorse was, I developed a plan. I decided that I wasn't going to drink for a year and I stuck to that plan. I decided to talk about DUI and stop my friends from making the same mistakes. I decided to spend more time with my family to repair those bonds that I had been breaking. I made those decisions and in the following year everything got better I was able to afford basic life needs, I was finishing school, and my relationship with my family was strengthening; but the remorse didn't go away. I still felt a need to help and repair the problems I had contributed to. After a year had passed I decided I could only drink on weekends, I was not allowed to drink if I was too sad, mad, or even happy, I started speaking with the Victim's Impact Panel regularly and through remorse and having a plan to better myself my life again got better. Friends and family that had stopped talking to me re-entered my life, I started getting promotions, and more opportunities to better myself through the Victim's Impact Panel.
Remorse for my actions saved my life. I believe it saved my soul. I had wondered far from the path intended for me and almost didn't make it back. Feeling the remorse, not just being upset I got in trouble and making those decisions to be better changed my life and I wouldn't be here the person I am today without it.